Peter Jackson
Group: Members
Posts: 11
Joined: Jan. 2003 |
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Posted: Feb. 06 2003,19:18 |
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Mr. Bean exaggerates. (No, not THAT Mr. Bean. Sean Bean.) Okay, so Miranda has the One Ring. I misunderestimated the bitch's power. But I did NOT give it to her willingly. Just about everything Sean says is a wild exaggeration. Including the thing about me being muscular. I wish. Miranda Otto took the ring from me by force. I tried to stop her, but for a little woman she is surprisingly strong when she wants to be, as she has previously proven in bed. So yeah, she grabbed the ring. I tried to stop her, I tried to bitch slap her but my pimp hand was not strong enough. Oh, if only my pimp hand had been strong enough.
That is honestly the entire story. Sean Bean was not even there except briefly early on. None of that stuff he said is true, nothing about impersonating former Saved By the Bell castmembers who now have breast implants, or impersonating a beef pot pie. Although .... mmm ... I could really go for a beef pot pie right now. Or a former Saved By the Bell castmember, but I'll get my mind out of the gutter for the moment in the interest of saving the earth.
And yes, the earth currently needs saving, for it is now in the hands of a madwoman with weird-looking cheeks, who is a pretty good actress. Although she's no Cate Blanchett.
So obviously there is only one person who can save us now, and that is of course, Cate Blanchett. However, as I've mentioned before, Cate has not been returning my calls for some time now. Even during shooting she would only talk to Fran. What DO women talk about when men aren't around anyway? Why do they always go to the bathroom in groups? And what the hell kind of name is "Eowyn" anyway? It's only got one real consonant in it, the N at the end. It's got an EO and a WY in it for god's sake. E-O-W-Y-N. That name is fucked up.
Anyway, I must pit Cate Blanchett against Miranda Otto, and this time not just for the purpose of seeing them catfight. If I wanted to do that, I would just watch Miranda and Allison fight right here. Which I do anyway. With great great interest. A creepy level of interest. But now it is clear that Cate must destroy Miranda to save the world .... and since Cate won't listen to me because I am a pathetic fat bearded man who has made ten gazillion dollars but still gets ignored at the Oscars, we must somehow get ahold of the one mysterious man she is actually interested in talking to.
That's right. We must answer the question first posed in the title of this thread, and find David Ashe. The pimply, geeky, mech-and-sword-and-kaiju-loving star of stage and screen seems to hold an irresistable appeal to all female Lord of the Rings stars, at least in his own mind. We must find David Ashe, and put his vaguely creepy love for Cate Blanchett to the test.
Where have you gone, David Ashe? A weary planet turns its eyes to you.
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