Sean Bean
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Posted: Feb. 06 2003,16:20 |
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I tried to stop him. I tried. I was too slow. I wasn't strong enough. I was weak, and stupid, and slow.
Miranda Otto came to Peter, disguised as Cate Blanchett. I screamed out for him not to listen to her honeyed words, for as the man knows, inside all honey lies sweet, sweet rat poison. But Peter just stared at her blonde hair like it was the sun and mumbled to himself "shiny." "Shiny, shiny hair" he mumbled. Peter can be a retard sometimes.
He walked toward her. I held him back, but he was covered with bacon grease and his shoulders were slippery.
But her Blanchett-form was not strong enough. For a moment, Peter saw through her ruse and saw that she was actually Miranda Otto when he called her "Cate" and Miranda said "No, goddamnit, I'm not Cate, I'm Miranda. Miranda Otto. Stop calling me Cate Blanchett. Learn to tell your actresses apart. I've worked insanely hard on these goddamn movies, it's the least you could do to stop comparing me to Cate Blanchett just because we both have blonde hair and she doesn't answer your phone calls and I do."
There was a pause as Miranda realized she'd screwed up.
"Miranda?" Peter said thoughtfully to himself, as if saying the name for the first time.
Then Miranda transformed into an evil hellbeast version of herself, screaming that she would have the one ring.
I restrained Peter. I held him back. But I was not strong enough. That's not fat cushioning Peter's body, my friends. That is pure muscle.
Miranda transformed into Fran Walsh to woo Peter. Then into Liv Tyler. Then into Allison Doody. Then into Showgirls' Elizabeth Berkeley. Then into Tiffany Amber-Thiessen. Then into some random chick from a cheesy Seduction Cinema movie Peter was watching the night before.
Finally, she transformed into a hot beef pot pie, and now her lure was too strong. Peter was mesmerized.
Peter walked toward her, holding the One Ring out in front of him, offering it to her.
I held him back, clasped my hand around the Ring.
But now I too felt the Ring's terrible power and appeal.
A film franchise, I thought. I could make a film franchise like none other in the history of film. A film franchise about a ring.
"The Ring," I would call it.
I was weak. I am always so goddamn weak and corruptible. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I tried to take the ring. Miranda Otto restrained me. Then Peter restrained me. Then Peter tried to restrain Miranda, but she slapped him and said she was going to sue him for sexual harrassment.
Then he gave her the One Ring to shut her up.
HE GAVE HER THE ONE RING TO SHUT HER UP.
And it's all my fault, as usual. I am not exactly sure how it's all my fault this time, but I'm sure it is. After all, I'm Sean Bean.
And I didn't even get a dramatic death scene.
So to recap, Miranda Otto has the One Ring. She has the One Ring. And now all humanity is in peril.
No good can come of this.
I am sorry my friends. I have failed you. But I would have followed you to the end, my friends. My captains. My plural kings.
P.S. This is a bit off-topic, but you know what's really fucked up? People who say "does not compute." Out loud, like when they're confused, like it's a normal thing to say. Isn't that fucked up?
P.P.S. You know what's also fucked up? My first and last names are the same except for their first letter, yet they don't rhyme. Isn't that weird? Sean Bean. That's a really weird name. Especially the Bean part. Anyone would have a weird name if their last name was Bean. Like Orson Bean. That's a really really weird name, just because of the Bean. Orson Welles, not a weird name. Orson Bean, weird name.
P.P.P.S. I was in one episode of The Storyteller too, but it was the only shitty episode in the entire series. I mean, the only one. Only one shitty episode of The Storyteller, and I get to be in it. How fucked up is that?
P.P.P.P.S. Don't forget about me just because I'm not in all the second two movies. I'm Sean Bean!
P.P.P.P.P.S. Appropriate nicknames for me do not include "Beanbag" and definitely not "Beany" ... however I will answer to "The Mean Bean Machine."
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